(discovering always, always - original sold)
the truth is is that i meant everything i said during
this podcast with author/artist
rice freeman-zachary. we talked about making dreams real. about how i get it all done. about how i make time for art. about the book, the licensing, the online shop, and on and on. she asked if i had any advice, tips + tricks. i spoke from the heart. and i really really enjoyed her energy and her questions. but within one hour of finishing our phone call, i had a meltdown. you know, like the real deal. the pressure cooker that's been boiling for weeks finally blew and then there i was: standing on a wet seattle sidewalk with john, tears streaming, and bunch of blubbering dramatic nonsense spilling from my mouth. and just one hour prior, i was doing a podcast about how i've got it all under control. awesome.
no one tells you that when you chase your dreams, that overwhelm is sometimes inevitable, that there will be a day every now and again that you feel 100% defeated. no one tells you that when you have success, that you'll be up against some serious
force/energy/momentum and that it can be hard to navigate sometimes. and nobody tells you that once you do have success, you're not allowed to complain about any of it and that you'll be judged when you do. nobody tells you that pioneering a new path for your life can be isolating if you're not careful to balance it with perspective and simply getting out of the house every single day. and most importantly, no one tells you that there is a price you pay when you put your heart and soul so deeply into the footprint of your passion/work that you aren't as available to those you hold dear.
as much as i love and adore every square inch of my life, i keep repeating the same burnout/overwhelm story every few weeks, like an annoying broken record that just won't stop. in my heaviest moments, i feel inaccessible to my friends and family because of choices i've made to work rather than connect. it weighs heavy on my heart as i try to get a grip, rearrange my schedule, let things go, and tend to what matters the most. and what matters the most are people. always people.
just like the recent painting above, i'm discovering always, always. and i really want to be truthful about what this life looks like. it's a wonderful, wildly layered and beautiful life and story. i'm grateful beyond measure for all of it. but like i've said from time to time here in this space, there are days in the mix where i stumble, question, and wonder why i can't hold it together. in the end, i'm committed to riding out the growing pains of this life in the making. i wouldn't have it any other way. but man o man, the drama of days like today!
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